Scene: When the curtain rises the following characters are seated in a dentist’s waiting room: Women 1- 8 and Men 1- 8. Some of them are reading magazines or newspapers. Man 4 has a rough bandage tied round his jaw. He is holding the bandage and groaning. Man 3, Woman 5 and Woman 6 are just entering the waiting- room.
Woman 5: We’ll have some time to wait before the dentist sees us, dear.
Woman 6: So I see.
Woman 5: But I’ll show you some of my holiday photographs to pass the time.
Man 3, Woman 5, and Woman 6 sit. Woman 5 takes a packet of photographs from her handbag. Throughout the play she concentrates on showing her photographs.)
Man 5: What time do you make it, Jack?
Man 6: Almost eight- thirty. The dentist should be along any moment now.
Woman 6: Isn’t it a dreadful hour of the morning to see a Dentist! I’m not half awake yet.
Man 5: I hope he won’t be long. I’m going to be late for work anyway.
Man 6: Something should be done about dental hours. I’ve always said so and I’ll go on saying so.
(Enter Nurse.)
Woman 6: Good, the dentist shouldn’t be long now.
Woman 5: And this is one of the boarding houses at Waddling- on- sea. Our boarding house. Those are the steps I fell up. We nearly died laughing.
Woman 6: It looks quite a nice place.
Woman 5: Oh, it was, it was. And the landlady was a dear.
(Woman 5 shows another photograph.) This is one of hers. You can’t quite see her face.You see, my finger got in the way, but she has such a nice face.
Woman 6: I’m sure she has.
(Enter Woman 7 and the Little Girl.)
Woman 7: Oh, do come along, Dorothea.
Little Girl: I don’t want to see the dentist. I won’t! I won’t!
Woman 7: Now, Dorothea, remember what your daddy said. If you won’t have your teeth seen to, no more ice- lollies.
Little Girl: I don’t want any ice- lollies.
(The Little Girl is dragged to her seat by Woman 7. She sits weeping. Man 4 groans loudly.)
Woman 4: Here’s the dentist.
Woman 3: And about time, too.
(Enter Dentist.)
Dentist: Could I have the first patient, please?
(Exit Dentist into surgery.)
Woman 1: That’s you, Joe.
(Man 1 and Woman 1 stand.)
Man 1: Yes, that’s me.
Woman 1:
Now, make sure he pulls out the right one, Joe.
Man 1: I will.
Woman 1: Good- bye, Joe, I’ll wait for you.
(Exit Man 1 into surgery. Woman 1 sits.)
Woman 2: I believe the Dentist is ever so good.
Woman 3:
Yes, he took out six for Mrs. Johnstone, and she never felt a thing.
(Enter Woman 8 with the Small Boy.)
Woman 8:
Now Maurice, there’s nothing to be afraid of.
Small Boy: I’m not afraid.
Woman 8
Just a little pull, and ever such a weeny tug, and all the pain will be gone.
Small Boy: There is no need to treat me like a baby. I’m not afraid of a dentist.
Woman 8: Now sit down quietly, Maurice, and I’m sure the nice dentist won’t be long.
Small Boy: I think I’ll get a magazine, I feel like reading.
(The small boy goes to the table and looks through the pile of magazines and newspapers.)
Woman 8: All right, dear, just as you like.
(Woman 8 sits.)
Man 5: I’m going to ask for gas. I’ll never forget the last time.
Man 1: I knew a chap once. He asked for gas. It was the last time he ever asked for anything.
Man 2: Is that a fact?
(Enter Nurse from the surgery. She walks across the stage and exits left.)
Man 4: I shouldn’t ask for gas, or any of these drugs either. It’s unnatural I say. Give me the old- fashioned methods.
Man 5: You can have them. I’ll have it without the pain.
Woman 5: And you’ll love this one, dear.
Woman 6: I’m sure I will.
Woman 5: It’s one of me riding a donkey along the sands.
Woman 6: Oh, I say!
Woman 5: Isn’t it a scream, dear? I sat on it the wrong way round, just for the laugh.
(Enter Nurse left, ferrying a large hammer. She crosses the stage and goes into the surgery.)
Man 6: Was that a hammer she was carrying?
Man 7: I’ve seen dentists use some queer tools.
Man 6: Well, if it wasn’t a hammer, I should be attending an eye specialist and not a dentist.
Woman 5: I hope he isn’t going to use it.
Man 3: It’s a peculiar thing to have in a surgery.
(The sound of hammering is heard from the surgery. Everyone looks at the surgery door and then at one another.)
Woman 1: Oh! Joe! My poor Joe! Oh, what will I do? (Standing)
Woman 2: I shouldn’t worry. The dentist probably knows what he’s doing.
Woman 1:Yes, but does Joe? Surely he’s not hammering on poor Joe’s tooth.
Woman 2: Now, sit down and don’t excite yourself. I’m sure Joe is quite all right.
(Woman 1 sits. There is more hammering from the surgery. Woman 1 is about to stand but Woman 2 restrains her.)
Woman 2: There, there, dear, do sit down quietly.
Man 5: I don’t like the sound of that.
Man 4: I shouldn’t worry. These dentists know what they’re doing. I hope.
(Nurse enters from the surgery and walks across the stage and out left. Everyone watches her in silence.)
Woman 7: She didn’t look very worried, anyway.
Woman 8: No, it’s the patient who worries.
Woman 7: I say let him worry. Worry is natural. It never did anyone any harm.
Woman 1: I wish you wouldn’t talk like that, with my poor Joe in there, may be writhing in agony.
(Enter Nurse left. She is carrying a large pair of pliers. She walks across the stage and into the surgery. Man 4 groans and everyone groans after him. Woman 1 watches in horror. She stands as the Nurse exits into the surgery.)
1: No, no, it can’t be true! They can’t do this to Joe. Not to my Joe.
(Woman 2 forces Woman 1 back into her seat.)
Woman 2: There, there, don’t upset yourself, dear. There’s nothing to worry about.
(Woman 1 starts weeping and sobbing.)
Man 3: A bit big, wasn’t it?
Man 4: Nothing to what they used in the old days. I heard of a chap once the roots of whose teeth were wrapped round his jaw- bone. He was five hours in the chair.
Man 3: None the worse for it, I’ll bet.
(There is a sudden screech of metal from the surgery. Woman 1 gasps with horror and is about to make a dash for the surgery door when she is dragged back by Woman 2. Man 4 groans loudly. The Small Boy and the Little Girl at the table start a fight about a magazine they both want. Woman 8 and Woman 7 attempt to separate them. Through all this noise Woman 5 is still trying to show her photographs.)
Little Girl: It’s mine! It’s mine!
Small Boy: No, it’s mine! I saw it first.
Woman 7:
Woman 7: Sit down, Dorothea. Sit down and be quiet. I’ll tell your daddy about this. Then there’ll be trouble. Really, it’s the last time I’ll bring you anywhere.
Little Girl: See if I care.
Woman 6: I wish some people would keep their children under control.
Woman 7: Well, really!
(At last the little girl and the small boy settle into their seats. They are both sulking.)
Man 2: There should be a special waiting- room for children. (The metallic screech is heard again from the surgery. Fresh sobs from Woman1.)
Woman 1: I can’t stand it. Oh, Joe! Joe! Joe!
(Man 4 groans.)
Small Boy: What was that noise, Mummy?
Woman 8: Don’t ask awkward questions, Maurice.
Man 7: I’ll tell you, little boy. That noise was a man having a tooth out. That’s how it’s going to sound when you have yours out, only much, much louder, because then it’ll be inside your head.
Woman 6: What a thing to tell a small boy!
Man 6: Disgusting!
Man 7: It’ll do the lad good. Bring ’em up natural, I always say.
Small Boy: Oh, Mummy, Mummy, take me to school! Quick, take me to school!
Woman 8: Take you to school? What on earth do you mean?
Small Boy: I haven’t got toothache at all. I was only joking. I just wanted to get off school. Take me to school. Mummy, please.
(Everyone laughs.)
Woman 8: I’ll take you to school all right (Woman 8 takes the Small Boy by the ear. She drags him out.) and I’ll get the headmaster to give you a good thrashing.
(Exit Woman 8 and the Small Boy. The Small Boy is yelling.)
Man 5: A little discipline, that’s what he wants.
(Woman 5 is still showing her photographs.)
Woman 5: This one should make quite an impression on you, dear.
(There is a loud hammering from the surgery.)
Woman 6: Yes, it does.
(Enter Nurse from the surgery).
Dentist’s Voice (off):
Do hurry, Nurse or we’ll never get this thing shift.
(Nurse walks across the stage and off left.)
Man 6: Well, really, I don’t think I can wait. (Standing)
Man 5: Neither can I. I’ll be very late for work. (Standing)
(Exit Man 5 and Man 6.)
Woman 6: But surely, they can’t really be using those tools to take out a tooth.
Woman 4: You heard what the Man said.
Woman 6: And those men have gone, too.
Man 7: Cowards, every one of them. They can’t take it.
Little Girl: Mummy, I was only joking about my toothache, too. I haven’t really got one. I was only trying to get off school.
Woman 7:Nonsense, Dorothea, you know your tooth is as black as the kitchen range. You’re only trying to get out of it.
(The Little Girl breaks into a howl.)
Man 2: I can’t stand howling children. I’m off. (Standing)
Man 3: And I can’t stand them either. I’m coming with you. (Standing)
(Exit Man 2 and Man 3.)
Woman 7: Now, see what you’ve done, Dorothea, you’ve chased those men away.
Little Girl: They’re lucky.
(The Little Girl howls again. The Nurse enters, this time with a hacksaw.)
Woman 1: Oh, Joe! Joe! He’ll never stand it. The sound of sawing always did put his teeth on edge.
Man 7: This time the saw will be on the edge of his teeth.
Woman 2: Oh, you horrible Man!
Man 7: Can’t I even make a joke?
Man 8: We need something to cheer us up.
Woman 4: Surely it’s against the law for a dentist to use a saw like that.
(The sound of violent sawing is heard from the surgery. Man 4 groans loudly.)
Woman 1: Oh no, Joe! No, Joe!
(Woman 1 makes a dash for the door but is prevented from opening it by Woman 2 and Woman 6.)
Woman 3: You really must control yourself.
Woman 2: There, there, dear. I’m sure it’s not as bad as it sounds.
(They place Woman 1 back in her seat.)
Woman 1: I’m not waiting to find out. I’ve heard enough.
Woman 3: I prefer to keep my toothache.
Woman 4: So do I. Me too. Those pliers would never fit my mouth, anyway. It’s better than being murdered, anyway.
(Standing)
(Exit Woman 3, Woman 4 and Woman 6.)
Man 7: Just watch them go, cowards every one of them.
Woman 2:It’s all very well you talking this way. You don’t seem to have any nerves at all.
Man 7: This is nothing to some of the things I’ve heard of. I could tell you things that would make your hair stand on end. There was once…
Woman 2: I’m sure we don’t want to hear it. My hair is standing on end already.
(The sawing is heard again, even louder and harsher this time. Woman 1 wails and Man 4 groans.)
Man 1: Of course I’m all right. Why shouldn’t I be all right?
Woman 1: But, Joe, all that hammering and sawing.
Man 1: Oh, that! That was only the dentist trying to force open his instrument cabinet.
Woman 1: His cabinet?
Man 1: Yes, you see he lost the key.
Woman 1: So he hasn’t done anything to you, Joe!
Man 1: Not a thing, and I can’t wait any longer this morning. I’ve made an appointment with him for this evening instead. The nurse gave me some pills to deaden the pain in the meantime.
Woman 1: Oh, Joe, I was so upset.
Man 1: Well, it’s all right now, Emily, so let’s go.
(Woman I and Man I go out left. A moment later the Nurse enters from the surgery. She is walking across the stage when the Dentist enters left. The Dentist is waving a key.)
Dentist: I found it. Believe it or not, but it was under the telephone directory. What an awful waste of time!
Nurse: I’m afraid the first patient couldn’t wait. However, he made an appointment for this evening.
Dentist: Fair enough. I’ll take the next patient.
(Dentist goes into the surgery. Nurse turns to Woman 5 who is still looking at her photographs.)
Nurse: Now, madam, the dentist is ready.
(Woman 5 looks up.)
Woman 5: Do you mean me, Miss?
Nurse: Yes, would you step into the surgery, please?
(Nurse goes into the surgery.)
Woman 5: Dear me, that long queue did move quickly, didn’t it?
(Woman 5 follows the Nurse into the surgery.) CURTAIN
About the Author
Christopher Victor Burgess is known as C.V Burgess. He is a humorous playwright. His situational humour intensifies the emotions of the characters in the play. His plays usually accommodate a number of characters. His famous works are ‘Short Plays for Large Classes’, ‘Teach yourself Speech Training’ and ‘Classroom Playhouse Verse in Action’.